Acting and Translating
I am an adult Aspie,
undiagnosed as a child, who spent her entire life learning to mimic
neuro-typical, or normal, behavior. I call it acting. I've learned that
this "acting" I do is the best way to translate myself to and for everyone else.
There are more neuro-typicals out there than there are Aspies; I am the unusual
one. Therefore, I have trained myself to talk their language, so to speak.
I also like learning languages, so I guess that's why I relate the two.
I call it translating. It means taking my way of thinking, then
translating it through the "language" that every one else speaks. When I
speak the words in the new language, they will understand what I really meant.
Only then, can we all get along together.
I have come to feel that if I want people to understand me, it's my job to translate myself -- not their job.
For example, my normal internally-driven response to a lady saying 'hi' to me would be to either say nothing and not even look at her, or to start talking about whatever was on my mind, such as maps or weather patterns. If I were to talk to her at all it would be because I wanted to socialize, even though I wouldn't know how to achieve that socialization I wanted.
However, I learned in elementary school that this response does not garner a continued conversation (or friendship). It makes people walk away and not say 'hi' to you next time. So, over the course of my 33 years, I've learned what to do instead. When a woman says 'hi' to me, and I feel like socializing (not always, but much of the time) I will stop and put all my focus into watching her mouth to see what she says. I will then use some of my stored responses to create the "feeling" she was going for, such as "how are you?" or "great weather" or "that's a nice shirt" (that one goes over well).
It will take some time, and lots of watching and learning in order to extrapolate a collection of standard conversation starters and responses. Watch people, find what you like, and remember it! Don't be afraid to use it later when the time is right. Learn small talk, such as talking about the weather. Sometimes the topic of conversation isn't as important as the feelings of friendship and care that are exchanged during that conversation.
In my early 20's, I thought this might be insulting, and I thought that acting was lying. However, lately, as I get older, I have come to realize that these things are important ways of helping others feel accepted and happy. So I happily adopt the "language" to translate my good feelings of friendship into words that the other person will interpret as "she's nice and she's being nice to me and she likes me", which is, after all, my goal. I am being honest about the goal of desiring to be polite and to extend friendship.
Then, when the other
person says similar things back to me, I will run it through my "translator"
which will tell me that the other person is nice, and that she's trying to be
nice to me. For example, they might simply say "how's it going?"
Once I leaned that "how's it going?" translates to "I care about you", I get
along much better with everyone. After the translation, these things
make me very happy. Therefore, communication has been achieved.
Apparently, I have practically mastered this plan. I was somewhat of a social outcast for the first 26 or so years of my life. And now, at 33, I've completely fooled everyone I know into thinking I'm not only normal, but very nice and (some people even think) very social. They just don't know how hard I work at it.
Nor do they know that
every three days or so I need a major break from humans in order to "recharge"
my translator. When I'm wound down, I can't translate at all, which is very
difficult for all parties involved, because even though I may feel happy and
want to express appreciation for the other person, none comes out. They think
I'm mad at them, and they get mad at me, which then makes me mad. So, when I'm
too worn out to translate, it's best to rest from people until I can do it
properly again.
Sometimes I impress myself. Yesterday, I socialized at a high level of good
translating for a total of 5 hours yesterday, which is incredibly good. It
happened because I rested for the two days prior. Usually, my total is 2
hours a day. The trick is that today I have meetings and such, and it will total
about 4 hours of socializing and communicating today, so by tomorrow I'll
probably need to stay home with my kids all day and rest from any human who is
not my child or my husband. And even then I won't be talking too much. But, if I
do that, then in two days I'll be recharged again and can go run lots of errands
and negotiate the traffic and the crowds just fine.
I have also been wondering about upbringing lately. The diagnosis wasn't available when I was a child. It wasn't even recognized as a Syndrome until 1994, so that is the earliest possible anyone in America could have been diagnosed with it. Therefore, my parents, teacher, and I all thought I was normal. I worked very hard to prove to myself I was normal. I was treated like a completely normal child. This is the same with all Aspies who are currently adults.
If I had known I had an
excuse, and if I had known how much harder it was for me to learn those things
compared to others, there's no way I would have worked so hard. It was hard! But
I did it because I honestly thought I was normal and that hiding my tendencies
and weaknesses was essential to the life I wanted to lead. It turns out I
was absolutely correct.
There are also books that can help in learning conversational phrases, such as: The Social Skills Picture Book: Teaching Play, Emotion, and Communication to Children with Autism, by Jed Baker. More suggested books can be found at AspiesofAustin.com.