On Getting Married 01/28/07
I was just talking to a
girlfriend of mine the other day, who is heavily into the dating and seeking a
mate phase in her life, and I found myself telling her why I got married, so
today I'm going to tell it to you.
Marriage is a very good thing to do, and it is something that I highly
recommend. My husband, Brian, and I just passed our 12th anniversary, so I hope
I've gained some clout on this subject. I see lots of people living together
these days, some sharing a life, but, I guess, not quite sure if they want to
commit. Others, living together permanently; that's their arrangement for life.
I know some people are more comfortable with this, and I will try to enlarge my
understanding to attempt to comprehend this. Prior to our marriage, my husband
and I were the types of people who wanted to be married. Married, I should say,
is different than living together, soul mated, or bonded for life.
On the last episode of "Mad About You', Paul Reiser's show on TV in the early
90's, Paul's father was complementing him on seven years of marriage. However,
he and his wife had just learned that the person who married them wasn't really
qualified to marry them, so, accidentally, they really hadn't been married all
that time. (I know, it's a silly plot twist.) At that point, the couple freaked
out and immediatly weren't sure how much of a couple they were. Paul's father
said: "Wow, seven years, that's not nothing!" In response, Paul asked "now what
if we hadn't been married that whole time?" And his father said "well, that
would be nothing."
I know it's only a pretend TV show, but it illustrates my point. I've seen many
non-married couples stay together for years, longer than some marriges even:
living together, "consummating" their relationship, sharing cars, friends, and
finances. But what I always want to know is: are they a family? Do they spend
all of their days, or even some of their days, concentrating on concern that the
relationship might not last? What happens if children come unexpectedly? are
they welcomed automatically or is it a stressful time? Will children complicate
things because you have to decide what last name to give them and who gets
custody? If jobs change, or if you have to move far away, does the couple stay
together in the move, or is that something to split over? Is it hard to share
family duties because each party has a sense of self instead of a sense of
working for the marriage? Is it true that the man sometimes thinks: why should I
buy the cow if I can get the milk for free? For this last question, I think it
is true because I've seen it more than once in my friends. And when the flow of
milk stops, the man leaves. The woman is left looking for a mate again, but now
with more of her life and childbearing years gone.
I didn't mean to offend anyone there with those questions, they weren't directed
at anyone in particular, they are just things I wonder when I see perma-dating
friends of mine. It motivated me to tell you what I know. If you are not sure if
you are with the right person, wait and be sure. Please don't be with the wrong
person just to be married, that's not what I'm advocating. I am rather speaking
to those people who are already in a relationship with the right person. And for
those of you who aren't sure which group you are in, please note, identifying a
person as the right or wrong person to marry shouldn't take longer than a year.
When did I know? Here's what I wanted to tell you. Brian and I were in love, and
twitterpated, which, yes, dulls the logic and reasoning. However, we had another
clue. After several months of dating, but less than half a year, we finally
reached a point where we couldn't stand to be apart from each other. Not only
was it quite painful to have to return to different houses at night -- we are
the kind that didn't live together or consummate our relationship prior to
marriage -- but we knew we wanted to be with the other person every day for the
forseeable future. That's enough, that's all it takes: Love, Friendship, Wanting
to be togehter every day, and being over age 18.
Some might say it takes money, and I've found that to be both true and untrue.
It is true in that you need to be able to provide for the basics in life, such
as housing, food, and clothing. When Brian and I announced our engagement to his
father, he immediately sat us down at his table and had us show him our
financial plan. And he was right. It may not take loads of money, but it does
take the ability to be able to budget, plan, and spend money wisely. I have
heard that financial problems are the 2nd leading cause of divorce, so plan out
your finances carefully. However, I believe it is not true that large amounts of
money need to be saved first. They are not needed, you do not need to buy a
large house or have a huge and lavish wedding at the beginning of a marriage.
These are things that can be worked for together as you share your life and as
you grow in love and in financial power. Some people have tiny weddings, you can
always have a large party a few years later, or every anniversary, to celebrate
your union. We had a tiny wedding, spent about $130 total, which included my
dress, a small grocery store cake, and a few roses. They don't all have to be
this small, we were very poor in college, but it's an illustration to point out
that marriage and a wedding don't always have a lot to do with each other.
How'd it turn out? Great! We have a great marriage. We are still best friends
and still in love. We have two kids so far, and we want more someday. We don't
agree on everything, or even a lot of things. But we didn't get married to be
with our identical twin. We find we are attracted to the differences in each
other. We find that it's okay to disagree and do things our own ways. We are
living together, and sharing our lives, but we do not do everything together,
nor do we want to. We have some interests that are the same, and some that are
different. I love my life, my husband, my family, and my marriage, and I
wouldn't change it for the world!
To sum up: If you know who you would marry if you had to choose, then you're
probably ready to get married.